About my new blog name

This year I was very conflicted about how I was going to represent my country abroad. As an exchange student, I will not only be representing myself, but I will be representing American youth, and my country as a whole.
But this year, I felt kind of oppressed by the USA. I had a lot of teachers and friends who were deeply religious, and religious to the extent that they looked down on me for not agreeing with them.
Also, I'm a pretty political kid, and I'm pretty liberal. And when I moved here, I was kind of shocked by how a lot of people chose to argue about principles that, for me, were kind of no brainers (evolution, freedom of religion). It was kind of a strain on my soul, seeing all this heartlessness among youth in America.
Homophobia was a big one. I have never witnessed such a large amount of prejudice among American kids against the gay community as I have here in Indiana. Same goes for women's rights, and Latin American racism.
Often, boys would gather around a table during lunch hour and talk with army soldiers about life in the military, and why they should give up high school or college to join the army. It broke my heart every time I saw it, and I couldn't eat, let alone focus on anything else for the rest of the day.
The straw on the camel's back came during fourth quarter, when a girl (name not included) who had befriended me in January took me to church, and afterwards told her parents and her siblings how she thought I was 'sick' and 'lost' and I needed help, all because I didn't see the same Jesus as she did. Her mother wore a frown whenever she saw me, her sister avoided eye contact with me in the hallway, and her father even sent me a 3 minute youtube video to try and convert me to Christianity, as if he knew all about my opinions on religion. As if I would tell him! Still I didn't want to break it off with my friend. I thought that maybe she didn't share her family's thoughts about me. But only two weeks till the end of the school year, my friend shared with me that her older sister had told her (confusing, I know) that she had overheard Nicole, my best friend since before I had even met this girl, saying some shitty things about me in an art class.
I didn't really believe her. She offered me a hug, as if I was to sob into her shoulder, but instead I went to talk to Nicole about it (insanity!). Nicole was pissed, apparently I hadn't even come up in their conversation for weeks.
Turns out, my friend's older sister, a senior in our high school, had started this rumor all because she thought I was gay, and that Nicole was my secret lesbian lover.
Where she got this idea, I have no idea. My liberal thinking, Nicole's short hair, the whole family's thinking that anything different is a threat..? Who knows. But as soon as I truly realized that this all wasn't one big coincidence, I felt hurt and betrayed, not by my friend, not by South Bend, Indiana, but by my country in general. And I thought, if I can't feel safe and comfortable in my own home, how am I supposed to represent it abroad?
I finally stopped associating myself with my friend. Problem was, I was so hurt by the whole experience, that I was downright afraid to associate anyone in the church! It was stupid, I know, but I came to recognize the sign of Jesus Christ as a symbol of Republican Americans who would like nothing more than to throw me into Guantanamo Bay. It was only a month or two of thinking like this, like I was a bunny that scurried down a hole, and is only now peeking its head out.
A few weeks ago, I was going through a library book, and a sticker fell out onto the floor. It was in the shape of a circle, with abstract orange and yellow and blue lines going through it, and at the top it says 'my american heart'. Turns out it's a band name. They're ok, nothing special.
But I was thinking, if I see America as my own country, then it can be anything I want it to be. I'm not saying I'm going to warp it into Imagination Nation, but I'm not going to see what much of the world sees when they think of the US (church, fried chicken, and fucking fat white women). Instead, I can look to the beautiful rolling hills of Mohawk country, the dirty stinking hippies that I happen to represent, the Chicano culture of the American West, and the historical city of Washington DC.
And besides, the world (especially America) changes! Even though my 'ethnic costume' (see previous posts) is one of the 1860s-70s, my country has changed greatly since then. And hopefully, with the upcoming election, it will change even more. And with every change my country makes for the better, I have less reason to be resentful, and even afraid of the USA, and more reason to be proud.
All I can hope to do during my exchange year, and the rest of my life, is to follow my American heart to do what I feel is right for my country, my friends, my family, and myself.